Classifieds

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1227973961782836377farmeral_audio-icon-svg-medAudio version for the visually deaf

DREAMCATCHER, faulty. Parts and spares only. £70 ono. Collection from spirit realm, 14B Hippywank Drive.

MB GAMES ‘Embalmy!’. Help ‘mad’ Marty Mortician prepare a recently dredged ‘Jane Doe’. It’s a race against decay! £3 tel. 0116 673241

MITSUBISHI PISSBAG Emerald brown, plumbed in boot-bath, £2 under the seat if you’ve got small fingers. £7,000. Tel: 0115 926 5678

CUSTARD KLAXON Are people unaware of your custard? Two short bursts on our custard klaxon and they’ll come screaming in agony for custard, at any hour of the day or night. Call Thrump’s Pudding Sirens on 015 272 333

EDIBLE LUNCH BOX Apple (hollowed). 40p. Will throw in apple meat for a kiss/fiddle. Meet at Crochingham’s orchard, 3pm Sunday. (Bring a knife and wear something tight).

MEMORIES Unwanted gifts. Mixed bag but mainly beatings and arguments. Committed 6 hours worth to tape. Are you lonely? Do you have a tape deck? Tel: 0115 1010110101 and speak when spoken to.

ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER novelty dildo. Hand carved from ebony in Papua New Guinea. 8.5″ with realistic veining. Lloyd Webber’s head the bell end. £1 or £3 plus commemorative ‘Tory Cabinet 1992’ anal beads. 0154 34724

DOG Possibly small bear, terrifying ‘1000 yard stare’ and eats its own ‘business’. Take it, just take it away. Tel: 0115 92367 82272

BATTERY POWERED HORSE Very reliable, perfect for commuting. Gets tetchy when inserting batteries (can get 40 AAA up there, but tends to shit them out). Tel: Ohoneonefive fivenineseven sixthreetwo

FECTATED TORP Slightly greasy, could do with a re-cog. Classic Swimp-style design, with original blade jets. I’ll be swimming at Grumpling baths all next week. Dive in and we’ll discuss price.

MY TEA It didn’t agree with me, perhaps you’ll have more luck? Reasonable condition (only used once). Contains fish, chips, stout and chewing gum (I think). Tel: 07783 338373 (be quick, I’m on my way home).

TRIPLE BED 8″ by 10″, minor frot damage. Possibly haunted (it wasn’t my fault). Ideal for a fat couple or Mormons. No money, will swap for your bed. Tel: 11.59652148 ÷ 100

RECURRING DREAM Nothing sinister, but not pleasant. In a tunnel of sand, a choir of flying worms sing to you. You have no hands and a breast where your balls should be. £11.11 o.n.o. Fax: 0111929229299 and mark it “Tit ball worm song dream”.

LONELY VAGINA Polite, shapely, well maintained, spontaneous, GSOH, seeks inquisitive, forthright, witty cock for “the obvious”. No perverts please. Tel: me I’m a wicked girl.

A BIT OF BLUE SOMETHING Sort of bluey-grey thing, like a sliver of ham but feels more like foam. Hums at night and appears to kill insects. Scary, hence quick sale. Tel: 0115 24something

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