Mail merge to World Leaders

Dear President / Prime Minister {surname}

I hope this email finds you well (and receptive to fresh thinking). Terribly cold at the moment, isn’t it?! Well, I suppose only if you’re on the same, or a similar latitude to me. I’m writing to you from my humble bedsit in Benfleet, Essex. I have been moved to compose this missive by dint of the dispiriting carnival of misery, want, tragedy and disaster that processes through my living room nightly, courtesy of desultory newscasts from my tele unit.

f703a76b-0906-4ffc-8822-d37829a35426-260-00000028d3227370_tmpI realise you have not sought my counsel but, in all conscience, I cannot withhold my long maturated ideas and insights from the world any longer. To deprive my fellows of the ameliorations, remedies and correctives to the global family’s multifarious iniquities cooked up by my brain over the preceding decades would be more than my conscience could bear. And I have a preternaturally capacious conscience, which is of course an unsubstantiatable claim.

Firstly, I implore you to do away with pop music. It corrodes the minds of young people, promotes louche and lascivious behaviours, and generally retards the development of the sort of serious, high mindedness that the world so desperately requires.

Secondly, subsidise libraries. These absolutely crucial hubs of community are a lifeline for many and play an inestimable role in the de-illiterisation of young people. They just can’t compete with googleweb or pop music.

Thirdly, put some kind of tax or levy on land. That way, nation states will be less likely to go to war over it. I have done some calculations and humbly propose that £13.50 per square metre would be an efficacious deterrent to the bellicose geo-gerrymandering of dictators and their bloody land-grabbing

Fourthly, phase out some of those new languages that have developed over the past few centuries. I’m thinking particularly of Russian, Chinese, European and American hip hop. They are confusing the picture and run contrary to the general global effort to promote integration, harmony and understanding.

Fifthly, selectively breed humanity into dwarfism. Permit only the most diminutive specimens to procreate. Not only will this go some way to address the problem of the fast dwindling natural resources and bounty of mummy earth, it will also retard climate change. I have done some calculations and humbly propose that an average height of 4 feet 5 inches would be most efficacious in achieving these objectives

e734517c-1ee9-4155-9f5b-bd3e34696800-260-000000283f2da1b7_tmpI hope that my ruminations prove useful in guiding your thinking and policy making. Should you wish to consult me further vis-a-vis the precise details of my propositions, I am available to speak on the telephone (+441268 297658) most weekdays between the hours of 10am and 3pm. Finding myself in a state of negative employment, I am also amenable to the prospect of relocating to take up a strategic advisory role in your administration.

Your humble earth servant,

Martin Ormonroyd
Freelance Global Thought Leader and Expert Dreamer

Benfleet

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