Haikus 6

Vending invisible choc
Skipped lunch. 4pm.
Poked 4-4, Mars Bars 4-5.
Empty spring turns. Fuck.

5BA7A234-71D4-4FCE-B9B3-80F45CAD24E9-242-000000467AF03ADCComing to the crunch
Our love, a snail
under boot in the gloaming.
Crushed by want of care.

Sad bastard
‘I’m shit at my job’
he thought, every day until
he just…really was.

Yahoo
When Claire put ketchup
on Steve’s risotto, he upped
and moved to Denmark.

Everything’s relative
‘Oh yeah’ he snarled back.
‘Well maybe you’ve just got a
massive twat!’ Fair point.

0A0769FF-E328-49B6-A6AB-EACDD8857B4F-242-000000495529412EOnce upon a moment
We’ve all got a book
in us. If just a short shit
one about writer’s block.

Death of a glamour model
Obituary
short and sweet. Simply read “Thanks
for the mammaries”.

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Haikus 5

56EF37D9-113F-435F-829D-18671EA8D81F-242-00000029F3A1A366Bowels of Hell
He lost respect for
Steve. That stench in the work loo.
Yes, Steve’s shoes alright.

Sofa cushion lucky dip
Eating, she dropped a
bit. Retrieved without looking.
In mouth. Eurgh. Different.

Canine Waste Executive
His job was to put
little warning flags in dog
shit. Three A levels…

Existential Skittles
By the twelfth leisure
centre vending machine lunch,
he just felt nothing.

80D33872-146A-4283-A5CF-EDA8004B293B-242-00000028AF3844AEPrick Dundee
“Call that a penis?”
said the Urologist, in
a shit Oz accent.

 

Haikus 3

There is no shelter
from the world’s dark madness, bomb-
proof as your child’s laugh.

There is no excuse
for that eleven pm
bowl of Rice Krispies.

Neighbours are like sharks.
I don’t go out if I spot
one in the open.

“It’s cancer” said the
doctor. “You’re trying to guess
my star sign, aren’t you”.

Office WorkersI want to work in
the seventies. A fag on
and no email.

The vicar giggled
in the shower. It just seemed
so silly, his job.

“What the fuck is this?”
he spat, pointing at the staff
newsletter dick pic.

I hired a horse
once. Best decision of my
life. Haven’t looked back.

Every now and then,
I obey the base urge to
piss in the garden.

Haikus 2

So what do you do?

How did people quell
the panic in workshop lunch
breaks before mobiles?

Probably live with mum

What motivates men
to shave their sideburns so high
above their ears?

The accent

“Eat shit and die”. I
misheard. She, a Brummie, asked
Andy to itch her.

I reckon <2%

The statistics on
fisting are hard to find. There’s
a Phd there.

Not a close friend

“Let’s fuck” she whispered.
“Right now!”. “No” said the stranger.
“I’m a pallbearer”.

Can I Funk with your percentage formula?

If Bootsy Collins
delivered Excel training,
I’d probably go.

img_0134

Haikus

Shame

Through vinegar strokes
Bob saw a shape scuttle by.
The librarian.

Social mores

John met a dog’s gaze
in the park. Feeling awkward
he smiled. The tit.

Exit

I would like to die
surrounded by family.
And being gnoshed off.

Guffy Pig

Jemma’s guinea pig
farted. She stopped stroking it.
The moment had gone.

I hate Blacks

She balled the ‘racist’
out ’til she realised he
just preferred Millets.

Not good

He thought he was good.
“You eat muff like a kitten
licking pâté, John”.

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