Haikus 7

Nice try
“I guess this is good-

bye then”. She nodded and gave
him his sheath receipt.

51EA66ED-73CC-4FB0-BCC7-8D505C041061Too literal, mate
“What do you see when

you look in my eyes?” she wept.
Easy. “A small me”.

First Date
Pointing at the rough

sleeper “that’s awful”. Thinking
about her nice bum.

dd0c2773-21a5-49ee-964a-6e728c873e8c-245-00000004c8a746afNeeds must
To get through each day,

Nigel laced his big walrus
moustache with cocaine.

Peter, what is this?
Shit! Mum’s keys in the

door, and the ejaculate
unaccounted for.

Moon
Earth child, scent of
gunpowder. Each year ebbs
four centimetres.

Tightarse
Her face fell. “We don’t

have a sieve” he beamed. Yeah, he
won’t make birthday two.

2CAC0D50-3D9E-4831-9334-2C2A18925E97False alarm
“Was that John?”. He looked

over the side of the bridge.
Yawned. “No, John can swim”.

Three fucking hours of work
The house was still a

tip. Disconsolate, it dawned
that he’d dreamt the clean.

It’s ok
At the last, before

oblivion claimed her, the
terror just…vanished.

Kulturgeschichte / Religionsgeschichte / Juden / 19. Jh.Whoops
The pen that signed the

Pogrom order was made by
a pacifist. Ha?

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Haikus 6

Vending invisible choc
Skipped lunch. 4pm.
Poked 4-4, Mars Bars 4-5.
Empty spring turns. Fuck.

5BA7A234-71D4-4FCE-B9B3-80F45CAD24E9-242-000000467AF03ADCComing to the crunch
Our love, a snail
under boot in the gloaming.
Crushed by want of care.

Sad bastard
‘I’m shit at my job’
he thought, every day until
he just…really was.

Yahoo
When Claire put ketchup
on Steve’s risotto, he upped
and moved to Denmark.

Everything’s relative
‘Oh yeah’ he snarled back.
‘Well maybe you’ve just got a
massive twat!’ Fair point.

0A0769FF-E328-49B6-A6AB-EACDD8857B4F-242-000000495529412EOnce upon a moment
We’ve all got a book
in us. If just a short shit
one about writer’s block.

Death of a glamour model
Obituary
short and sweet. Simply read “Thanks
for the mammaries”.

Sir Wantalot

I want to be the home that you return to,
I want to be the coat that keeps you snug,
I want to be the picture at your bedside,
I want to be the cocoa in your mug.

I want to be the music that you dance to,
I want to be the glimmer in your eye,
I want to be the thought that makes you smile,
I want to be the birdsong in your sky.

I want you to be happy when I’m near you,
I want you to be less so when I’m not,
I want you to be hopeful for the future,
I want the past to fade and be forgot.

I want to not now have to want you,
‘cos wanting you means that I am without,
I want to fall into a space-time wormhole,
‘cos someworld else
we’re hand-in-hand
and going out.

Haikus 5

56EF37D9-113F-435F-829D-18671EA8D81F-242-00000029F3A1A366Bowels of Hell
He lost respect for
Steve. That stench in the work loo.
Yes, Steve’s shoes alright.

Sofa cushion lucky dip
Eating, she dropped a
bit. Retrieved without looking.
In mouth. Eurgh. Different.

Canine Waste Executive
His job was to put
little warning flags in dog
shit. Three A levels…

Existential Skittles
By the twelfth leisure
centre vending machine lunch,
he just felt nothing.

80D33872-146A-4283-A5CF-EDA8004B293B-242-00000028AF3844AEPrick Dundee
“Call that a penis?”
said the Urologist, in
a shit Oz accent.

 

Haikus 3

There is no shelter
from the world’s dark madness, bomb-
proof as your child’s laugh.

There is no excuse
for that eleven pm
bowl of Rice Krispies.

Neighbours are like sharks.
I don’t go out if I spot
one in the open.

“It’s cancer” said the
doctor. “You’re trying to guess
my star sign, aren’t you”.

Office WorkersI want to work in
the seventies. A fag on
and no email.

The vicar giggled
in the shower. It just seemed
so silly, his job.

“What the fuck is this?”
he spat, pointing at the staff
newsletter dick pic.

I hired a horse
once. Best decision of my
life. Haven’t looked back.

Every now and then,
I obey the base urge to
piss in the garden.

Haikus 2

So what do you do?

How did people quell
the panic in workshop lunch
breaks before mobiles?

Probably live with mum

What motivates men
to shave their sideburns so high
above their ears?

The accent

“Eat shit and die”. I
misheard. She, a Brummie, asked
Andy to itch her.

I reckon <2%

The statistics on
fisting are hard to find. There’s
a Phd there.

Not a close friend

“Let’s fuck” she whispered.
“Right now!”. “No” said the stranger.
“I’m a pallbearer”.

Can I Funk with your percentage formula?

If Bootsy Collins
delivered Excel training,
I’d probably go.

img_0134

Haikus

Shame

Through vinegar strokes
Bob saw a shape scuttle by.
The librarian.

Social mores

John met a dog’s gaze
in the park. Feeling awkward
he smiled. The tit.

Exit

I would like to die
surrounded by family.
And being gnoshed off.

Guffy Pig

Jemma’s guinea pig
farted. She stopped stroking it.
The moment had gone.

I hate Blacks

She balled the ‘racist’
out ’til she realised he
just preferred Millets.

Not good

He thought he was good.
“You eat muff like a kitten
licking pâté, John”.

image