God’s Hard Drive

As I peer through the glass doors of a large laboratory space, I quietly enjoy the irony of what Dr Ann Clarke is saying to me.

The co-founder, with her husband Professor Brian Clarke, of an international project to collect and store the DNA of endangered animal species, Ann breezily informs me that “unfortunately we’ve had a small flood in the specimen room so I can’t show you around”. The Frozen Ark project is flooded out. Maybe someone up there has a sense of humour.

Image result for frozen arkEvery year the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) update their ‘Red List’ of threatened species which evaluates the conservation status of the world’s flora and fauna. One species holds the comfortable position of Least Concern being as it is “widely distributed, adaptable, currently increasing”. That species is homo sapien – us.

But many others are facing eternal erasure as human populations proliferate across our planet apace, with habitat loss and species extinction the regrettably all too common endgame.

Among caveats and cautions about the difficulty of estimating such things, in 2011 the IUCN calculated that one in four of the world’s mammal species are under threat, with one in three amphibians facing a similar fate.

It was against this somewhat depressing backdrop that Anne and Brian ‘built’ their Frozen Ark.

Using cryopreservation technology to preserve DNA in liquid nitrogen at minus 80 degrees celsius, the Frozen Ark consortium currently holds 48,000 samples from more than 5,500 threatened and endangered animal species in labs around the world, including the original site at the University of Nottingham where Ann and Brian still work. The project is not shy when it comes to justifying itself. It will, so the leaflet I’m handed proudly states, ‘ensure that millions of years of evolution are not lost and generations to come will have a crucial knowledge and appreciation of the world’s creatures’. But the story really begins on a Polynesian Island in 1960.

Image result for polynesian islands mapOver a thirty year period from the 1960s, Ann and Brian Clarke went on numerous expeditions to the Polynesian islands of Tahiti, Bororo and Maria to study the effects of geographical isolation on species. With a ring of high vaulting mountains enclosing verdant valleys below, they found that several species of snail had been cut off from the outside world. Like Darwin on the Galapagos islands, Ann and Brian couldn’t resist the opportunity to explore this ‘natural laboratory’.

At around the same time, the colonial powers that be – the French government – introduced edible snails to the islands, but these alien intruders started to compete with the indigenous Partula snails Ann and Brian were studying. The French then introduced a second carnivorous species to control the edibles, but sadly they preferred the taste of Polynesia’s indigenous populations. “It was Brian who quickly released that conservation was crucial to protect threatened species” says Ann, who accompanied Brian on these Polynesian expeditions as “chief snail collector”, sleeping on deck to look after her slimy charges on the ocean voyage home.

Having exhaustively collected and archived specimens from all 160 species of Partula snail, the couple realised that no-one was doing the same for other threatened species. “Zoos were collecting gametes for their breeding programmes and museums were collecting specimens, but nobody was preserving DNA” says Ann. “Museums are generally very good, they never throw anything away, but they tend to preserve specimens in formalin or alcohol which generally ruins any genetic material”. And so, with no-one working to collect, store and preserve the DNA of endangered species, in 2000 the Frozen Ark project was born.

Image result for insect in amberIn order to explain the Frozen Ark it is tempting to invoke the 1992 Steven Spielberg film Jurassic Park, and the cloning of dinosaurs from blood contained in a prehistoric mosquito trapped in amber. But Ann tells me, with a hint of wry disappointment in her voice that “yes, everyone does that, it’s a favourite line amongst journalists”. So I won’t. Instead I’ll liken it to God’s external hard drive, backing up copies of all his creations in case the world populations were to ‘crash’ which, as the IUCN Red List makes plain, many are.

Although cloning technology is still striving to catch up with the Jurassic Park vision, in the present day the DNA samples held by the Ark are yielding important information about evolution. The Ark’s haul allows for comparative studies which shed light on evolutionary genetics, evolutionary trees and speciation – or the process by which a species branches off and evolves into a new species. “Our project has many important medical implications too” adds Ann. “For instance, certain species of jellyfish bioluminesce, which means they light themselves up using fluorescent pigments. Medical science is allowing us to inject these fluorescent pigments into humans in order to mark tumours, which allows doctors to study how they grow and spread”.

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Despite this, the project is not without its critics. Ann recalls the time she was queuing for coffee at a WAZAA (World Association of Zoos and Aquariums) event. “A chap came up to me and said ‘you’re all wasting your time’ and walked off. I think many people are very pessimistic about conservation and fighting the tide of extinction. Perhaps we are wasting our time, but I think education is a crucial element.”

I wonder how conservation groups view the project. “We’re really the most depressed of ecologists, because basically we believe it’s too late for many endangered species” Ann admits. “Wild numbers of many species are too low for captive breeding programs to have any kind of impact. We’re really rather gloomy” she observes with a wry smile “so yes, perhaps that’s why we don’t get much support from conservation groups”.

Image result for thanosOur chat turns to a subject that has become something of an elephant in the room – the increasing number of our own species on the planet. “It’s an awkward subject” Ann concedes “because of course no-one would, or should, ever seriously consider ways to cap or stem human populations, but with more and more humans on the planet, it’s going to get much harder to save species as habitats come under increasing pressures from us”.

But she is optimistic that education could be the key. She tells me an anecdote about Madagascar, where hardwood trees were felled to produce furniture for the West. The practice was destroying lemur habitats, until people in the US started to hear where the wood was coming from. “It appears that exports of Madagascan hardwood are now falling. So maybe education is the key, maybe people will do the right thing given all the facts, maybe there is hope”. I start to think that maybe Ann isn’t such a gloomy ecologist after all.

Image result for millenium seed bankThe Frozen Ark has much in common with the Millennium Seed Bank (MSB) Partnership at Kew Gardens, the largest single site plant conservation project in the world. “I suppose the area of our work that brings us closest to the Frozen Ark” explains Professor Hugh Pritchard, Head of Research at Kew’s Seed Conservation Department, “is that we are developing new methods for the protection of samples stored at very low temperatures”. The Seed Bank works with a network of partners across 50 countries, and has already managed to bank 10% of the world’s wild plant species. What the Frozen Ark is doing for endangered animals, the MSB is doing for wild plants.

Wild plant species from northern latitudes are built for periods of dormancy, and so freezing and storing poses relatively little problem. But for the 50-65% (estimates vary) of the earth’s flowering plants found in humid tropical rainforests, the challenge of preserving and storing their seeds is much greater, as Hugh Explains. “Before freezing we need to artificially dry our seeds to between 3 and 7% of their original moisture content, which is effectively desert conditions. Removing this much moisture often kills them, so the development of more effective cryoprotectants is a vital part of our work”.

It is only relatively recently that the technical challenges involved in freezing and storing living materials have been overcome. “There has been an empiricism to the work for the 30 years I’ve been involved in tissue storage” explains Hugh “but the 1990s heralded two significant breakthroughs”.

The breakthroughs in question were encapsulation in an algaenate bead (protective bubbles made of a seaweed extract) and the development of Plant Vitrification Solutions, or PVS. The former allowed plant seeds to be placed inside a protective droplet that gave researchers more control over the seed, but it’s PVS (which dehydrate cells to prevent deadly ice formation) that just might prove to the holy grail of cryopreservation. “PVS looks like it might be a generic solution. It has already worked with more than 100 plant species”.

As I gaze at phalanxes of specimen containers in the flood-hit labs of the Frozen Ark, I’m reminded of the words of American naturalist Edward Osborne Wilson, who said “if all mankind were to disappear, the world would regenerate back to the rich state of equilibrium that existed ten thousand years ago. If insects were to vanish, the environment would collapse into chaos”. One only need recall the recent collapse in honey bee numbers to grasp Osborne’s point.

But perhaps it’s Homer Simpson’s uncharacteristically sage observation that beer is “the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems” that hits the nail on the head. We are the cause of extinctions, but through projects like the Frozen Ark and MSB, which have just as much in common with archivism or chronic hoarding than they do with crusading conservationism, we are also the potential solution.

August 2012

A chronology of disappointments

Age 4 – fruit-scented bath products aren’t fruit-flavoured.

Age 6 – bees aren’t friendly and don’t appreciate being handled.

Age 9 – you will never fly unpowered.

Age 15 – your parents aren’t the omniscient infallables you took them to be.

Age 23 – your life partner finds ejaculate disgusting.

Age 28 – your ‘life partner’ isn’t your life partner.

Age 32 – the received wisdom about everyone having at least one book in them is bollocks.

Age 37 – you have trapped yourself in a deskilling, joyless job bereft of satisfaction or opportunities for self actualisation.

Age 47 – you’ll never have a life partner.

Age 75 – medical technology never did follow the trajectory suggested by science fiction, and you’re still fucked.

Getting to know…

…Billy Turnips

3a0e21b4-8e56-4b38-b75e-8ff0940c4a83-326-000000333b4a84f9-1Billy ‘Bastard’ Turnips shot to fame in 1976 after winning TV talent contest New Faces as the ‘Pogoing Painter’. Following several years enjoying the trappings of overnight fame, Billy hit the skids and went through a number of reinventions including the ‘Pogoing Window Cleaner’ and the ‘Pogoing Window Breaker’ before finally carving out a niche as the country’s first and only ‘Painted Pogoing Lollypop Man’. He lives in Basingstoke with his 97 year old mother, Tilly Turnips, and his autistic cockapoodle, Monbodison.

Who or what is the greatest love of your life?
Me first wife, Pricilla. She was an amazing women, tits that could stop a train. The Acker Bilk of the pink oboe, they used to call her. Although – and this is between you and me – Acker Bilk was actually better at blowjobs. I should know.

What word or phrase do you overuse?
‘Fancy a bath?’

What is your most treasured possession?
An original draft manuscript of Shakespeare’s The Tempest from 1609. It contains a song, removed from the final version of the play, performed by Caliban which goes ‘We art voyaging to Ibitha, Return’ed to th’island, We are art voyaging to Ibitha, ‘Tis our entent to stage a masquerade’. Of course, almost 400 years later, The Venga Boys picked it up and had a lot of success with it. Dutch arseholes. Which, incidentally, is the medical condition fucking ruining me sleep at the moment.

What is your biggest regret?
Failing medical school because I refused to get off me pogo stick.

Tell us a secret
If I clap 100 times very quickly a quid falls out me arse.

Millions riot over jaw-dropping TV blunder

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By Kyle Redtop

An extraordinary thing has happened that has left millions of people fuming in anger and committing acts of mindless violence.

The gob-smackingly amazing thing happened on Russian television, to the total disbelief of thousands of viewers, who were left speechless and quick to air their blind fury on Twitter.

Another paragraph

Hundreds of Russian TV viewers have complained about the gaff, which has left TV bosses in a state of disarray. There have also been reports of mass suicides in the news station’s production gallery, following the blunder.

During a nightly news programme on Russia’s Channel 7, a story about pelicans  incensed viewers and left them shocked, stunned and [find another word even stronger than stunned – mentally raped??] to see stock footage of a crane mistakenly accompanying the piece about a heron.

F***heads

On Twitter, viewers unleashed a firestorm of screaming e-fury. @MoreOpinionsThanThereAreThingsInTheWorld said “@Channel7 that’s a crane! Pretty sure it is. Easy mistake to make, I guess!!”. Another, @BornOnlineDieOnline said “ffs, get it right you disgusting nazi F***HEADS”.

The nightly news programme is thought to attract 7.7 million viewers. When contacted for comment, the station claimed not to have received any complaints about the incident, and expressed surprise that the “very insignificant error” was taking up column inches in the national UK media.

Unhelpful ‘news’ noise

Their spokesperson said: “the world is rocked by environmental and humanitarian crises, refugees are suffering and dying in their millions, powerful people commit crime and atrocity with impunity, and you are reporting this? Three years studying journalism…your parents must be very proud”.

I feel nothing anymore

When contacted for comment, my parents stated: “no, we are not. We love you, Kyle, but this mendacious, click-bait froth adds nothing to the world, and actually maybe takes a little bit away from it. And you spend so much time finding out what ordinary people are saying about inconsequential things on Social Media. That’s actually beneath hack work. Sorry son.”

Don’t make me think, it hurts

I was unavailable for comment, and I couldn’t find anything on Twitter about what I might feel about my parents’ views on my career. I looked for hours. Like, three and a bit hours.
When contacted for comment, the heron in the news clip said: “ok, firstly, herons can’t give comment. They don’t possess human language. Second, the whole point is that it was a crane, not a heron, in the footage.”

Fictional Heron

The heron’s denial has lead many sources close to the crane to cast doubt on whether any of this actually happened. Ooh look, if you scroll down a bit there are loads of other stories you could read. I mean, now you’re here.

Stupid punt

I’ve started up a lazy gentleman’s outfitters. It’s called Suit Yourself.

The heating’s on the blink at my masturbation stronghold. On the plus side it’s cheap. That’s cold cum fort.

I once worked as a grave digger for a milliner who really hated me. During a funeral for a stetson I stopped digging and said “look I really think we should clear the air, let bygones be bygones….”. She shouted “just bury the hat, shit”. I said “Exactly!”

Our lawn is really long and an obese Satan got stuck in our cat flap. “What do you want to do?” my partner asked. I hate gardening and like to deal with unusual mishaps, so I just shrugged and said “butter the devil. You mow”.

My best mate’s a shell. He refused to fight in the second world war but also came up with a lot of really good ideas for stopping wars altogether. That’s what I like about Conch, he ain’t just ‘objector’.

Bloke asked me if I wanted to join a group who drink tepid Darjeeling in a room full of calculators. I said “Is that ok?”, he said “yeah, safe tea in numbers”.

A Welsh General threatened me this morning. I said, “oh yeah, Euan Hughes’ army”.

Someone asked me the other day, “what did you use to transport the money to pay off that toupe debt to Dame Mirran?”. I said “Wig owing to Helen? A hand cart.”

I was queuing behind a sausage in Costa the other day. He went for a grande cappucino. When it comes to coffee I guess the weiner takes it tall.

Omnishambles

I wrote this back in May then left it in draft limbo on the grounds that it went nowhere and weren’t bleedin’ good enough guv’nor. It’s all political about the Brexit that happened then. Were you one of the ballot-happy Leave nobs? Comment me up with a rejoinder if so. 

* * * *

Oi. You bastard of a Brit. In the 52 per cent you say? Speaking with that hate-pursed maw that mouths ‘help’ each night as you nocturnally pollute to a dream in which a bare and buttered Dolph Lundgren kicks an Afro-Caribbean fish to death in a nudist school.

You moral bender.

Five years from now, the EU Referendum and your project fear vote will donkey-punch you in the head. And it will be like when you drop a little bit of what you’re eating between the sofa cushions, unthinkingly retrieve it and pop it in your mouth. Except it’s not what you’ve been eating. It’s harder, and bitter and tastes of decay. Then the surge of horror, commingled with a feeling of betrayal and a stabbing sense of your own gormless, animal stupidity. You’d eat your own genitals if it were dark enough, they were covered in gravy and you could reach. You moronically stupid witless idiot.

And as the pound and trade plummet, division and intolerance sky rocket and agriculture and key public services go to the wall, you’ll be absolutely fine, because you don’t really think about things too hard, do you. Which was precisely the problem.

Getting to know…

…Richard Littlejohn

wp-image-838090468Richard Robin Marion Littlejohn was born several times throughout the 1950s in Harlem. After a disturbed childhood which saw him go in and out of several mothers, he was eventually declared permanently medically born at the age of 7. Littlejohn took up armed struggle at the age of 17, although he himself admits it remains unclear as to what the cause was. He lives in Surrey with his wife Alhambra Gerrymatticock and his two spaniels, Left Testicle and Right Testicle.

When were you happiest?
Yesterday. Mum had just called me in from playing Kerbie with Nick Ferarri. I had my favourite A Team t shirt on and we had sausage and ice cream for tea.

What keeps you up at night?
Mildly racist aural hallucinations. I have one recurring voice who I call Tony Abattoir – he keeps banging on about how black families don’t recycle enough and how manspreading indians take up more than 50% of bus seats.

What’s your most treasured possession?
A jar of fat I found in a derelect windmill. Another of my aural hallucinations – Sir Teddy History – tells me it’s from Cher’s eighth liposuction. My counsellor nodded and said ‘interesting’ when I told her which I took to signal agreement.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My smell. I’m told it’s like a mixture of burnng tyres and toddler poo. I’d quite like to smell like a Happy Meal. Or a box of Smyth & Quiggley offal chocolates. My grandad’s favourite (which I never was).

What’s your favourite word?
Floggnocificulism. It means to simultaneously fart and burp with such force as to bring about instantaneous spiritual awakening. I strive for it every day of my life. I often joke about my £10 a day Coke habit!

How would you like to be remembered?
As a fifth-rate, bigotted hate-pedaling hack, whose lack of journalistic talent was almost as offensive as the dog ordure he smeared across his columns.

Getting to know…

…John Virgo

a16c41b4-d5a4-4037-a452-1b57fd7f7f9a-211-000000049d221d5cBorn in Kingston, Jamaica in 1954 to Segway and Eunice Beaufort – the Caribbean’s most celebrated husband-and-wife clown act – John Chatwin Virgo rose to fame as a giant handed snooker tyrant in the shit-brown 1970s. He lives in rural Hertfordshire with his eleven children and civil law partner General Sir Michael Jackson.

What makes you happy?
Sipping a pint of lemon juice whilst watching my gerbils, Anthony and Pony Girl, fight over a peanut.

What’s your greatest extravagance?
Hats. I’ve got three hats. TWO! Sorry, I’ve got two hats. One’s Mike’s.

Describe your perfect weekend
Early morning Saturday stretching right through to late Sunday, with no weekday bits at all. I’m at my most powerful at the weekends. I am an electromagnetised warrior-titan of vengeful fuck-ass at the weekend.

Where were you happiest?
Bromsgrove, February 1973. I’d just chalked up my first 147 and discovered masturbation later that same day. I still remember shouting “sexy Spiderman!” as that maiden ribbon of baby butter shot towards the mirror.

What’s your biggest regret?
That I didn’t check for a pulse before throwing her to the pigs.

Tell us a secret?
Jim Davidson has a tattoo of Chubby Brown fucking Manning on his perineum.

How would you like to be remembered?
A formdable titan on the snooker table, a fearless and generous bonobo in the bedroom, and generally the personification of the generative powers of nature in all other aspects. And as the cohost of Big Break.

Wanted: Amanuensis

I have a terrible memory.

Very little seems to lodge there. Like the time a tramp slept in my car. I’d forgotten about that until reminded recently. My friend and I went to pick it up from town only to find the boot ajar, back seats down and the whole thing reeking of cigarette smoke.

fc59ca32-6601-4d3d-a55e-51467e9d0c10-233-0000001f5fa45448_tmpActually, it’s not quite true that I have a terrible memory. I have great implicit memory. We all do. It’s why you can cook your favourite meal without a recipe, or tie your shoe laces. Implicit memory is used in building motor skills, what you might call muscle memory. The repetition of a task, the practicing of an instrument, over and over, on an ever-refining path towards mastery. I’m a drummer, I got pretty good. No, nothing wrong with the implicit side of things.

I reckon my explicit memory is pretty titting plumb as well. Well, an aspect of it is, my semantic memory. You don’t get to be a The Chase™ champion without an aptitude for the conscious storage and recall of data, the conjuring of isolated facts independent of context. My insatiable competitive drive and dependency on shots of quick-win external validation see to that.

img_0281But it’s the other side of explicit memory – the episodic side – where my blindspot becomes blindingly easy to spot. I just don’t tend to lock in spatial or temporal data – sensations, emotions, personal associations of a particular time or place. Events pass through uncaptured, instances of hijinx, chance encounters with oddballs, none of them leave their echo. I have a terrible autobiographical memory. I could never be a raconteur. Or a spy.

img_0294Which is why folks keep journals, take photos, ceaselessly tell their stories to others, I suppose. We must curate ourselves, bring the patchwork of the past to bear on the present, to forge meaning, make sense. A mind alive only in the perpetual moment is either the heaven of the enlightened Yogi or the hell of the dementia-addled aged. Funny that.

My name is…wait…this is ridiculous, my name…anyway, my name is my name and I have a terrible autobiographical memory.

Ideas Mart

ff679e2b-9733-4217-85a1-ce4f37761833-255-00000006795e6fdb_tmpHere are some business ideas for which I have no use. They are good ideas, don’t get me wrong. They’re just not good ideas for me. Each idea retails at £6.95 although I’m running a time limited special of 3 for £21 until St Porrington’s Day.

Each idea comes with branding and logo, all trademarks and worldwide patents, several ever-so-slightly narked staff (there might be a minor pay quibble?) and a job lot of Charles and Dianna commemorative garrotting wire:

  1. Whorology – brothel where the girls also mend watches.
  2. Thirst Repaste the Post – horse racing themed eatery.
  3. Can-tan-caress Old Kents – Spray tan and massage parlour for OAPs in the ‘garden of England’ county.
  4. Bottom Feeders – gay fish restaurant.
  5. FUNerals – inflatable-based send off service.
  6. The Porner Shop – norks and newspapers, growlers and groceries.
  7. Race to the Bottom – horse racing themed gay eatery.
  8. Shoovers – footwear with suction cleaning.
  9. Woolworths
  10. The Drive Thru Dentist