By Kyle Redtop
An extraordinary thing has happened that has left millions of people fuming in anger and committing acts of mindless violence.
The gob-smackingly amazing thing happened on Russian television, to the total disbelief of thousands of viewers, who were left speechless and quick to air their blind fury on Twitter.
Hundreds of Russian TV viewers have complained about the gaff, which has left TV bosses in a state of disarray. There have also been reports of mass suicides in the news station’s production gallery, following the blunder.
During a nightly news programme on Russia’s Channel 7, a story about pelicans incensed viewers and left them shocked, stunned and [find another word even stronger than stunned – mentally raped??] to see stock footage of a crane mistakenly accompanying the piece about a heron.
On Twitter, viewers unleashed a firestorm of screaming e-fury. @MoreOpinionsThanThereAreThingsInTheWorld said “@Channel7 that’s a crane! Pretty sure it is. Easy mistake to make, I guess!!”. Another, @BornOnlineDieOnline said “ffs, get it right you disgusting nazi F***HEADS”.
The nightly news programme is thought to attract 7.7 million viewers. When contacted for comment, the station claimed not to have received any complaints about the incident, and expressed surprise that the “very insignificant error” was taking up column inches in the national UK media.
Unhelpful ‘news’ noise
Their spokesperson said: “the world is rocked by environmental and humanitarian crises, refugees are suffering and dying in their millions, powerful people commit crime and atrocity with impunity, and you are reporting this? Three years studying journalism…your parents must be very proud”.
I feel nothing anymore
When contacted for comment, my parents stated: “no, we are not. We love you, Kyle, but this mendacious, click-bait froth adds nothing to the world, and actually maybe takes a little bit away from it. And you spend so much time finding out what ordinary people are saying about inconsequential things on Social Media. That’s actually beneath hack work. Sorry son.”
Don’t make me think, it hurts
I was unavailable for comment, and I couldn’t find anything on Twitter about what I might feel about my parents’ views on my career. I looked for hours. Like, three and a bit hours.
When contacted for comment, the heron in the news clip said: “ok, firstly, herons can’t give comment. They don’t possess human language. Second, the whole point is that it was a crane, not a heron, in the footage.”
The heron’s denial has lead many sources close to the crane to cast doubt on whether any of this actually happened. Ooh look, if you scroll down a bit there are loads of other stories you could read. I mean, now you’re here.