Haikus 5

56EF37D9-113F-435F-829D-18671EA8D81F-242-00000029F3A1A366Bowels of Hell
He lost respect for
Steve. That stench in the work loo.
Yes, Steve’s shoes alright.

Sofa cushion lucky dip
Eating, she dropped a
bit. Retrieved without looking.
In mouth. Eurgh. Different.

Canine Waste Executive
His job was to put
little warning flags in dog
shit. Three A levels…

Existential Skittles
By the twelfth leisure
centre vending machine lunch,
he just felt nothing.

80D33872-146A-4283-A5CF-EDA8004B293B-242-00000028AF3844AEPrick Dundee
“Call that a penis?”
said the Urologist, in
a shit Oz accent.

 

Haikus 4

Public piss palava
Fleeting panic, the
wee won’t come. Feeling five, and
judged a cottager.

Well?
Why can’t gentle, meek
civic-minded, kindly old
dears rule the world?

Services to Greengrocery
When the Palace phoned
re. the honour, he had a
carrot up his bum.

Fucking yeah
Waking from a dream
in which he was a black Sting,
he felt nirvana.

Nervous twat
The fifth time he asked
‘was it tea?’ he knew office
life would be quite tough.

Cow
Eighty-nine hours
of practice, and she finds his
dance routine ‘quite strange’.

Queen is handy
Few know that Quentin
Crisp pioneered the sport
of UCF. Yes.

Haikus 3

There is no shelter
from the world’s dark madness, bomb-
proof as your child’s laugh.

There is no excuse
for that eleven pm
bowl of Rice Krispies.

Neighbours are like sharks.
I don’t go out if I spot
one in the open.

“It’s cancer” said the
doctor. “You’re trying to guess
my star sign, aren’t you”.

Office WorkersI want to work in
the seventies. A fag on
and no email.

The vicar giggled
in the shower. It just seemed
so silly, his job.

“What the fuck is this?”
he spat, pointing at the staff
newsletter dick pic.

I hired a horse
once. Best decision of my
life. Haven’t looked back.

Every now and then,
I obey the base urge to
piss in the garden.

Haikus 2

So what do you do?

How did people quell
the panic in workshop lunch
breaks before mobiles?

Probably live with mum

What motivates men
to shave their sideburns so high
above their ears?

The accent

“Eat shit and die”. I
misheard. She, a Brummie, asked
Andy to itch her.

I reckon <2%

The statistics on
fisting are hard to find. There’s
a Phd there.

Not a close friend

“Let’s fuck” she whispered.
“Right now!”. “No” said the stranger.
“I’m a pallbearer”.

Can I Funk with your percentage formula?

If Bootsy Collins
delivered Excel training,
I’d probably go.

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Haikus

Shame

Through vinegar strokes
Bob saw a shape scuttle by.
The librarian.

Social mores

John met a dog’s gaze
in the park. Feeling awkward
he smiled. The tit.

Exit

I would like to die
surrounded by family.
And being gnoshed off.

Guffy Pig

Jemma’s guinea pig
farted. She stopped stroking it.
The moment had gone.

I hate Blacks

She balled the ‘racist’
out ’til she realised he
just preferred Millets.

Not good

He thought he was good.
“You eat muff like a kitten
licking pâté, John”.

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